But I Love You
by marianne-larsen
Summary: Seth&Marissa, Seth wants nothing more than for Marissa to love him like she used to, but she just can't


Marissa heard the frontdoor shut. She knew she was alone. A huge house, empty. Empty and silent. She looked over at her phone. It was ringing, but she didn't feel like picking up. It was Seth that was calling her, but she didn't care to check who it was before she walked out the door and disappeared from her room, down the stairs. Shining from the sunlight the vodka looked like something from heaven. Marissa filled the blender with juice and some other things before she filled it up with all the vodka that was left. She turned the blender on before she threw the bottle in the trash. She didn't care anymore to cover her tracks. It wasn't like anyone would ever notice. Standing silently, looking at the blender mix her escape, she didn't notice someone knocking on the door and ringing the doorbell. She didn't notice someone entering the house and calling her name. She didn't notice someone standing in the doorway, looking at her.

She didn't pick up the phone. Damnit. What was up with her lately? Seth didn't know, but he was worried. He didn't know if it had happened sudden or if it had happened slowly and over time. He didn't know why it had begun either. Nor did he know if something had, in fact, begun. All he knew was that now she wasn't taking his calls. She wasn't crazy to spend every free second with him. She didn't have that look of want in her eyes that said she couldn't keep her hands off him when he was around. But what hurt most of all, it didn't feel like she still loved him.

Parking his car outside the cooper, and what used to be nichol home he got out and knocked softly on the door. He wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing by just showing up, but at this point, he wasn't sure of anything. He just didn't know what to do anymore. Noone answered. He rang the doorbell for what felt like too many times. He sighed and noticed that the door wasn't locked. Seth hesitated, but decided to enter the house against his inner voice telling him not to. He just had to see her, to make sure she was alright, to figure out what was going on. He couldn't take this cloud hanging over them anymore, he was hurting to much. "Marissa?", he called out her name a couple of times but understood that he could not top the sound of the blender. His path led him to the kitchen were he saw her, her eyes fixed on the blender. He just stood there, looking at her. She was beautiful, she always was. All he wanted to do was to have her notice him and get that spark she used to get in her eyes. To look like he made her world the best place to be just by being near her. To have her walk over to him with a happy smile on her face that would rub off on him and then he would have kissed her. But she wasn't going to do that. She hadn't done that in a very long time. For Seth, it felt like forever. He missed her so much.

Deciding the blender had done it's work she hit the stop button and leaned up to get a glass. Placing it on the kitchen counter and hearing the eccho of the noise sound through the whole house she poured the glass full and hurried to take a sip. She liked it, it was good. Just enough taste of alcohol. Turning to head outside she saw him. She stopped her breath, surprised to see him there, in her kitchen, only a few meters away from her. Marissa couldn't think of anything to say.

Seth could see she was surprised to see him there, and he understood. Of course he understood, he had just let himself in. "Hey..", he said unsure, waiting for her to say something. Have a reaction. Whatever, just something.

"Uhm.. hey", she started and then she gained some confidence, "What are you doing here?", she looked at him, directly into his eyes. Those eyes. His eyes. They used to give her the feeling that everything would be okay. They used to show her how much he loved her, they still did. Only now she knew he could no longer find that same look in her eyes. She hated that he couldn't, she didn't want to hurt him, but it was just the way it was. And now nothing would ever be okay.

"I...", he didn't know wether to confess or to make up some lame excuse. Remembering why he had come there in the first place he continued, "I have to talk to you".

She could tell he ment it and she could tell that this would be their final talk. Their closure. Their ending. Altough she didn't feel like talking, not today, not tomorrow, not ever, she would give it to him. Because once, he had been everything to her and she had loved him. Because he loved her. Because she couldn't continue to be so selfish and keep him just because it made her feel safe to have him around. Not when she didn't even wanted to be where he was.

Marissa was glad she had just made herself a drink. She was gonna need it.

"We can talk, but.. not here, let's go outside", she started walking and passed by him without being near him. It took extra effort not to be near him, but she didn't want to. She walked out on the porch and looked out at the water and the view and at all the beautiful houses in Newport. It was beautiful for a person that did not know what such a beautiful house ment. For a person that didn't know that it ment parents that didn't love you, people that would abandon you, best friends that would betray you.. For a person that wasn't from around here it might seem like a beautiful place to live. And in all honesty, it was. It was beautiful, but that was about it. Everything in Newport was beautiful, on the outside.

It hurt to see her make sure she didn't touch him. It hurt because all he wanted was for her to touch him. All he wanted was to be close to her, feel her, listen to her thoughts, feel her lips against his and to once again see his love reflected in her eyes that reflected the same. All he wanted was for her to love him again.

Slowly walking behind her and standing next to her he didn't want to be the first to speak. He wanted her to begin the talking. Wanted her to bring up what it was that they needed to talk about, because he didn't know. He had no idea where to start this conversation, because he had not come here to end it.

Marissa was thinking about something to say, something to start with. She knew he was waiting for her to say something because Seth was a man of many words and he would have spoken by now, had he had something to say. "So what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?", she asked him. She didn't want to be the one to start talking. She didn't want to bring up a topic. He had come here so he should be the one to start the conversation. She made herself not look at him, but kept a stern look at the end of the ocean.

"What is going on with you?", Seth asked her. His voice was a mixture of concern, hurt and some anger. He was angry with her for not talking to him about whatever it was that was going on. They were supposed to be able to get through everything. Together.

"Nothing", she said, her eyes still fixed on the ocean and a boat she could only barely see.

Seth found himself getting slightly annoyed. Why wouldn't she talk to him? Didn't she understand that this wasn't one of the unimportant check-up types of visits? This was "the talk". This was when they were supposed to be honest about everything and talk. Alot. Then they were supposed to figure out where to go from here. At least that was how he had pictured it in his head before he got there. She wasn't making this any easier for him.

"What do you mean "nothing"", he asked, his hurt and his anger now obvious in his voice. She looked back at him, she could tell he was getting frustrated with her. They shared a pause. A pause where they stared at each other and he felt that for the first time in a long time that he had her full attention. That she wasn't off somewhere else in her mind. "Why.. How come.. How come you don't love me anymore?", his voice cracked. It took alot of him to say it and had he been alone, he would have cried. It was as if he had finally let go of his denial. His eyes did get watery and an undescribable sadness filled his eyes. He just looked so lost, so alone, so much in the need of her love, for her to care about him, for her to make everything okay again. She noticed and turned her whole self towards him.

"I don't.. I do.. I mean..", she didn't know what to say. She didn't know how she felt. Maybe she did love him? How could she even know what love felt like? Maybe this was just that stage after the first butterfly feelings of being in love disappears and you just kind of settle? Maybe everything was all in her head?

Hearing her say she didn't love him took it all out of him. He couldn't manage to stop a tear from escaping his eyes and fall down his cheek. Cheeks that had already had tears run down them this day. Cheeks that had had tears run down them a whole lot lately. He was tired. He didn't care if she saw him cry. It was Marissa. His Marissa. He could do everything in front of her and she would still love him. She made him feel like he was good enough. Like he was just the one she needed. Like he was the only one that could ever give her what he gave her. Altough she wouldn't love him anymore. She hadn't told him that she didn't loved him in so many words, but it was obvious. There was no denial. That was enough for him to know the truth. And the truth hurt. The truth sucked. Hearing the truth was worse than anything he had ever imagined.

Marissa wiped the tear away from his cheek. Her face spelled "I'm sorry". Her eyes voiced regret. Her mouth said nothing. She walked closer to him and looked up into his eyes. She could smell him now. He smelled of old times. Happy times. Times she wanted more than anything to go back to, but couldn't. She placed her arms around his neck and hugged him. Not to tight, because she didn't know if he would be up for it. She didn't know if he was going to get mad at her. Didn't know if he would ever want to talk to her again.

When she felt him bury his face in her neck and wrap his arms tight around her body, she did the same. It felt like goodbye. It felt like closure.

Her scent made him think of the first time he had kissed her. The feeling of her soft skin made him think of the first time they made love. The feel of her silky hair made him think of that one time she was sitting between his legs under the tree at school and he had told her that he loved her. The feel of her tear making a wet spot on the shoulder of his t-shirt reminded him of the time they had had their first fight and then made up. The feeling of her made him think of how lost he would be without her and that he never wanted to let her go. Not now, not ever.

Marissa started to cry. She didn't want this to end. His arms around her felt so good, so comforting, so right. The warmth of his body made her feel like a part of something again. A part of an us. A part of something that used to make her happy. Why couldn't it be like it used to be? Why had it all changed? When had it all changed? She didn't know and she couldn't understand how it could just happen without any reason.

She pulled away from the hug but didn't remove her arms from around his neck. He didn't remove his arms from around her either. It was as if it was his last desperate attempt to hold on. She looked deeply into his eyes. Taking him in one last time. Looking into his sould one last time. "I have to go.. finish my drink", she said, braking the silence. At one time in her life she could have done anything in front of Seth and it would have been fine. Now, she didn't want to cry in front of him. She didn't want to show she was vulnerable. Didn't want to show him he could hurt her, get to her like this.

He just stood there, slowly letting his arms drop down to his sides from around her. He looked at her, heartbroken. He said nothing. Just watched her look to the ground, up at him again and then make her way back into her house. He stood there for a moment, alone, taking this place in for the last time. At least for a very long time. Because it would be too hard for him to be there, no matter if Marissa were to be there or not. It just held to many memories. Memories he loved to think about, but that still made him sad. Sad that they were just that, memories. Sad that he wouldn't get to have any new memories with Marissa. Sad that he wasn't allowed to think about them anymore. That he was supposed to begin forgetting them.

He realised that he should probably get going. It wasn't as if anything was keeping him there, as if anything wanted him there. The walk to his car went by slowly, but once he got his engine running he drove away in high speed. Wanting to get away from there as quickly as possible.

Marissa shot a clean tequila shot as she watched Seth drive away with the sound of the blender blaring in the kitchen. It burned on it's way down. A tear ran down her cheek. She didn't care to wipe it away. She wanted to cry. Wanted to stop the pain. Wanted to be happy again. Wanted to make it all just.. stop.

There was no more left to drink in the blender. The bottle of tequila was empty. Marissa was filled with more alcohol than she should be. She started to feel cold. Starting to walk outside to the sun she walked straight into the kitchen table. "OUCH!", she yelled and hopped on one foot before falling to the ground. Her drunken laughter filled the house as she continued outside, crawling.

The feel of the sun against her skin didn't make her warmer, only colder. Grabbing the handle on the door back into the house, she managed to stumble back onto her feet. She continued stumbling back into the house and walked up the stairs. She leaned against the wall the whole way up. Marissa was getting really tired and rested her eyes on every occasion she got on her journey up the stairs. She stumbled through the hallway and had to try a whole of 6 times before she managed to open the bathroom door. Almost falling down on her knees she started to fill the bathtub with hot, hot water. Dipping her finger into the water that was already in the tub she screamed at the warm feeling. Definitely too hot. Turning on the cold water she let her hand play with the water that came falling down into the bathtub. She leaned her head on her arm that was resting on the side of the bathtub, while looking at the water, mesmerized.

When the bathtub was finally full Marissa was already half asleep on the side. Stumbling back to her feet again, she put one foot and then the other one into the tub. She still had her clothes on. Sitting down and letting her body soak in the warm water she let herself drift back to sleep. Seth would never see her again. Noone would ever see her again.


End file.
